How to Have Better Relationships | Sandals Church

How to Have Better Relationships | Sandals Church

– Hey everybody. Welcome to Sandals Church where we are all about
this vision of being real. So no matter who you are or where you’re watching from today, there is a place for you here, and I would love to invite you to check out our podcast, The Debrief. We just hit 1,000,000 downloads. How incredible is that? And many of you are listeners,
so continue listening. But if you’ve not already, I would love to invite you to do that by going to Well we’re so glad that
you joined us today. Enjoy the message. (upbeat music) ♪ Hey, hey Margery ♪ ♪ Hey, hey Margery ♪ ♪ Yeah ♪ ♪ You know you do something to me ♪ ♪ You know, you know, you know ♪ ♪ Hey, hey Margerie ♪ (man vocalizing) ♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ Hey, hey ♪ (man vocalizing) ♪ Hey, hey Margerie ♪ (man vocalizing) – [Pastor Matt Brown] Welcome, welcome! Man, I hope you guys are ready. How many of you guys are ready to grow and improve in relationships? Yes! Yes, yes, yes, yes, and hopefully you got
dragged here to church and maybe they’re not passive-aggressively trying to tell to you to improve but I’m glad that you are here. Let me just tell you why
relationships are so hard. Last Christmas, we went on vacation and my daughter wrecked my brand new car. And, dads, write this down, I didn’t handle it the best, my wife pointed that out, some areas that I can improve, but as we took the vehicle to get fixed, I’ll never forget what the mechanic said. He said cars are easy, people are hard You see, it’s easy to
put a car back together. It’s hard to put
relationships back together when they’re broken. And here’s the challenge. In school, you learned to read, hopefully. You learned to write, hopefully. But what we don’t learn is how to relate. We just don’t learn how to relate. And let me just tell you something. You know the Bible, in the Christian section of the Bible, there are 59 commandments that say this: One another. One another. One another. Fifty-nine times we’re told
how to love one another. Listen to one another. Hear from one another. Care for one another. Serve one another. Listen to one another. Speak the truth the one another. And you know why that is? Because we are not good at relationships. And we’re in this series
called Relational Remix and so here’s my prayer for you. Before you throw away your marriage, what if God could remix it? Before you give up on your friends, what if God could remix it? Before you give up on
life, man I don’t know where you are today,
what if God could remix the way you see yourself,
the way you see other people, and the way you see God? We’re gonna talk today about
a guy by the name of Paul. His name was Saul, God remixed his life, and he turned into Paul
and he’s never the same, and because he’s never
the same, listen to me, the world has never been the same. So let me just pray for you. Again, I don’t know where you are, God knows exactly where you are, and He knows exactly
what you need to hear, and I pray somehow He uses me to speak to where you are
today, so let’s pray together. Father, I pray over us today. God, and the reality is,
relationships are tricky. Relationships are challenging. And some of us have just
given up on relationships. But the reality is, Christianity is a
relational movement, God, and I hope that today You can move us from where we are to where we need to be. I pray this in Jesus’ name, amen. Now, before you’re overly
critical of yourself, we’re gonna talk about the apostle Paul. His name was Saul, and he killed
people for a living, okay? So hopefully that’s not
you and if it is you, would you kindly introduce
yourself to an usher, and we wanna make sure
that you’re surrounded– I mean loved the entire time
that you’re here, right? So like we’ve all made mistakes. Like as a parent, we’ve
said things to our kids. We’ve probably swore, we would never say, like I swore when I was a kid, I’m never gonna say because I told you so. I made it two years and then
that was comin’ out my mouth literally for the rest of my life. We probably swore when we get married, I’m never gonna say something unkind or uncaring or unloving to you. And then we made it two
days on the honeymoon. We’re arguing before we get on the plane. That’s the reality. And I mean, when you took a new job, you see all these people like oh, they seem like normal people. They seem like healthy people, right? And then all of a sudden
you’re there day two. You’re like oh my gosh, things happen. Well I just want you to know
that the apostle Paul changed the way he looked at relationships. This is what he said. This is after he’s a Christian. So if you’re not a Christian,
I have hope for you. But if you are a Christian, this is actually how you
should respond to people. He said for though I am free from all– And this is what we hear in our culture. It’s my life, I can do what I want. It doesn’t bother anybody,
doesn’t matter to anybody else which is never true. But he says for though I’m free from all, he says I’ve made myself a servant to all. You see, one of the things that’s happening relationally amongst us is we all want to be kings. And what means when
we’re kings and queens, literally the people
around us are subjects. And when people are subjects, we don’t treat ’em the right way. Paul says I’m free to do whatever I want but I’ve made myself a servant to all that I might, underline
this, win more of them. When you’re relating to
people, just ask yourself do I want to win this person? Do I want to win this conversation? Do I want this to be a
positive thing in my life? Most of us don’t even think about it. We don’t even think about where we’re going in a relationship. Where we’re going in a conversation. Do I want this to be a win? I want to win more of them. He says to the Jews, I became
a Jew in order to win Jews. To those under the law, I
became as one under the law, though not being myself under the law, that I might win those under the law. Paul says look, man, when I’m with Jews, I’m gonna act like Jews. How do you treat people
when you’re with them? Demi and I, we stayed
this summer at a hotel that was a little above our pay-grade. Have you ever done that? It’s like you want to act nice, but you really can’t afford there. It’s like when I get
upgraded to first class, it’s on points or they ran out
of seats and it’s a mistake. But I just act like that’s
where I’m supposed to be. First class, not second class. But we stayed at this nice hotel on Points and it was wonderful. And one of the assistants
came up to me day five and he goes you’re so nice. And I was like and that’s a problem? He goes it’s not a problem,
it’s just not normal. He goes what’s different about you? I go we’re poor, that’s the difference. We’re a whole lot closer
to you socioeconomically than we are the people
we’re sitting next to. Like you’re our people. And he’s like okay, all
right, I’m gonna serve you and you don’t have to tip. I was like amen, amen. (audience laughing) But you know, we start
treating people differently when we see ourselves above them. Paul says look, to the Jews, look, I’m gonna be just like them to them. He says to those outside the law, he said I became as one outside the law. Not being outside the law of God but under the law of Christ. Some of you are like
what’s the law of Christ? Two things, love God, love people. Love God, love people. Jesus said it this way. The greatest commandment is
to love a Lord, your God, with all your heart,
soul, mind, and strength. The second is just like it
but is equally as important. Love your neighbor as yourself, right? You got to love your neighbor. You got to love people. That I might win those outside the law. To the weak, I became weak,
that I might win the weak. I have become all things
to all people, why? Here’s the answer. I’ve become all things to all people that by all means, I might save some. I do it for the sake of the gospel, that I might share with
them in its blessings. Look, you wanna change your relationships? Write this down. Have a heart to reach people
with the love of Jesus. Look if you’re married, the
next time you’re fighting with each other, I just want
one of you to throw this out. One of you to throw this out. Are we treating each other
with the love of Jesus? You’re like you’re dang right I’m treating you with the love of Jesus. And if he was here right
now, he would tell you. I mean think about that. The next time you’re
screaming at your kids, are you treatin’ them
with the love of Jesus? I mean some of you guys are freaking out in the name of Jesus but you’re not loving your
kids in the name of Jesus. Right? How are you treating your kids? I’m not saying you
shouldn’t discipline them. I’m not saying you shouldn’t correct them. But I’m just saying do your kids know the love of Jesus through you? Do they know that? At work, do people at work sense
the love of Jesus from you? Even if they’re Buddhist or Atheist. Maybe they’ve never been
to church in their life. Do they sense the love of Jesus from you? You see, if your goal in a relationship is just like the world, you’re
gonna treat people literally as a tool to get whatever you want. But if your goal is to
reach people for Jesus, you’re gonna love them like Jesus. You’re gonna love them like Jesus. Let me just be honest with
you, most of us don’t do this. Most of us are unaware of this. You’re just like this
is the way I was raised. Yeah, but Jesus wants to raise you again. He wants to raise you again. He wants to change some things up. He wants to help you
change the way you relate. The apostle Paul, not good
with people before Jesus. After Jesus, incredibly good with people because he cared about ’em. And I just want you to think about this. Your friends, your family,
the people that you work with, I know the world says most
people are going to heaven. Here’s what the Bible says. Most people aren’t. Most people aren’t. We live in a culture that
sends everybody to Heaven, and let me tell you something, most people are gonna be surprised to
find themselves not in Heaven. And the only way we can wake them up to the reality of Jesus
is with the love of Jesus. How are you treatin’ people? How are you treating people? You gotta reach ’em
with the love of Jesus. Look, this is the best way
to transform your life. Jesus is love and he knows what love is and he knows how to teach you how to love. You gotta have a heart to reach people with the love of Jesus. I want you to underline this. He says I do it all for
the sake of the gospel that I may share in
them with its blessings. With its blessings. Some of you are new to Sandals Church and you don’t understand things. You’re like oh my gosh, wow,
this is very, very different from any church I’ve been a part of. Yes. Let me ask you a question. All the churches that
you’ve been a part of, were they any good at reaching people? Some of ’em, yes, most of them no. Most church buildings in
America today are empty. The fastest growing area of real estate in downtown Chicago is old churches. They’re turning ’em into condos. Do you know why that is? Because Christians were more interested in maintaining their traditions than they were in reaching people. Here’s my heart, I’m
willing to do anything and everything except sin
to reach people for Jesus. Sometimes that means you’re
gonna to church and see a DJ. You’re like whoa what’s that? You know most of your friends
have never been to a church? But they’ve been to a club. They’re like okay this is nice. They’re sinners, I’m
safe here, this is good. It’s okay, it’s okay. And the church has always
reacted negatively. You know what? They probably killed the first
guy that brought a piano in. They’re like that’s crazy. You know, the first person
that brought a guitar and accidentally moved his hips. That’s Elvis, okay,
we’re out of here, right? A couple weeks ago we had our young people come up
front, rush the stage, jumping. Some people were offended. Oh my gosh, it’s like High School Musical. I was like well guess what? How come churches aren’t offended– People are offended that
we have youth jumping, why aren’t some churches
offended that they have no youth? Right? They have no youth. I’ve read all 10 commandments. One of them is not thou shall be boring. (audience laughing) One of ’em isn’t thou shall not be funny. We laugh at that one, thank you very much. Thank you, that hurts. It says I do it all for
the sake of the gospel that I might share with
them in its blessings. This week I got a direct
message on Instagram from somebody who said
I’ve never been to church. I don’t get God, I don’t
understand religion, but I came to church. And for the first time in my life, as you began to talk about the Enneagram, I began to see connection
points to where I am and where God needs me to be. She said thank you so much
for being brave enough to be a little different,
because I might come back. I might come back. And let me just tell you something, man, that’s what I want to do. That’s my goal. You invite your friends,
they come to church. They’re like I might come back. I might come back. Because most people today
won’t come to church. They won’t come to church. They have no interest in church because the church has been all about God and forgotten the second commandment. That we’re supposed to
all be about people. So I have a heart to reach
people with the love of Jesus. You know why you don’t
want to want to greet? You don’t have the love of Jesus. You know why you don’t want
to work in kid’s ministry? You don’t have the love of Jesus. You know why you’re
not in communion group? You don’t have the love of Jesus. You need the love of Jesus to move you from where you are to
where you need to be. Jesus’ heart is not the
problem, it’s our hearts. Our heart is the problem. So if you want to move relationally, if you want to improve relationships, if you want to have better
relationships, write this down. Would you just accept that
people are different from you? Married people, circle that. Circle that. My wife gets so confused. She thinks she’s married to herself. (audience laughing) It’s only matched by my confusion ’cause sometimes I think
I’m married to myself. Listen to me, people are different. I don’t care what you’ve read in the news, or heard on the news,
or been told in school, but men and women are different. Amen, men and women? We’re different. We are so different. Listen to me, we’re different genders. We’re different ethnicities. We come from different
socioeconomic backgrounds. And now because people are living to 150, we got like seven
generations running around. Isn’t that crazy? We have people alive today that were alive when there weren’t planes. There are people that
can’t understand that. I mean even my generation,
when I was a kid talking to somebody on a device was Star Trek. Now it’s just fourth grade. Hey, how’s it going? It’s just different. It’s different. You have to accept that
people are different from you. They see things different from you. And here’s the thing, in our world we’re constantly
trying to be divided. In the church we need to try to be united and that’s around the love of Jesus. Accept that people are different from you. In His grace, God has
given us different gifts for doing certain things well. So listen, we’re different. Socioeconomically, ethnically. We’re different genders, we
come from different generations and oh, by the way, God
gifts us differently. We all have different gifts. We all have different abilities. You’re not gonna be held accountable for the gifts God didn’t
give you but He is going to hold you accountable
for what He did give you. So I would start using
those gifts for Jesus. I love this verse in the Bible. It’s probably the worst verse in the Bible if you’re these two
women, but listen to me. I mean it’s one thing to
get called out on Twitter. It’s another thing to get
called out in the word of God. But apparently these
women could not get along and it wasn’t working. They prayed together, they
talked, they met with the elders. Didn’t work, so literally, the apostle Paul literally
blows them up in the Bible. And this what he says. I urge, and these are
two unfortunate names that I’m pretty sure
the flu shot will cure. It says I urge Euodia and Syntyche to iron out their differences and make up. Make up. He’s like get over it. Well, my feelings got hurt. You get over it. This is what he says. He says God doesn’t want his
children holding grudges. And you’re like well who’s gonna hold it? (audience laughing) Thank you, I thought that was funny, too. Now listen, ladies, I love you. But you can offended at things
I don’t even understand. My wife and I had talks like this. She says well I’m so upset at her. I said what did she say? She didn’t say anything. I’m like what? (audience laughing) We’re upset because of
something that wasn’t said? Well she doesn’t have
to say it, I know it. I’m like whoa, right guys? We’re just lost. We’re like where’s the barbecue? I don’t know what’s going on. Okay, guys, we’re clueless
to conflict in relationships. Well ladies, sometimes
you’re a little too tuned in. You need to pray and
help God to tune you out ’cause you’re a little too focused on what people didn’t say. All right. Would you do this? Would you start paying attention
to how people receive you? Some of you came to church today and you didn’t tell your
face you were at church. I never ever imagine I’ll
be a pastor at church and have literally hundreds of people that I pay to work for me. And I see ’em at work and
say hey, you like your job? Yeah? Well tell your face. ‘Cause your face doesn’t
know you like your job. You get to go to church. You get paid to go to church. I know, I love it, Pastor. Anybody have teenagers? Hey, what’s the matter? Nothing, why? Well your face is either
melting or you’re upset. Look, some of us are not aware
of how people receive us. You’ve gotta start paying attention. You know what our problem is? We’re so into what we’re saying, we can’t see how people are receiving it. You’ve gotta pay attention
to how people receive you. So we’re in this series
called Relational Remix and I’m looking at the
Enneagram and here’s the thing, the Enneagram can help open your eyes to how people receive you. Some of you are like I don’t
care how people receive me. That’s ’cause you’re an eight. But listen to me, eights. You want to stay married? You want to stop getting fired? Listen to me, you’ve gotta
start paying attention to how people receive you. A couple years ago, we had a
pastor on staff, he’s an eight. And let me just tell you,
I’m not puttin’ down eights. I love eights, remember why? They don’t gossip behind your back. They tell you to your face. And I actually love that. I want to know if I have
bad breath from you. I don’t want to hear about it later. But we had an eight on our staff. A very, very powerful, amazing leader. We went out to dinner, we brought in a special guest to speak
on a Sunday morning. I kid you not, this happened. Special guest, we were so excited. We’re doing a whole series literally built on this book this woman had read. I was so excited. And we met her at the airport,
took her out to dinner, and we were all gathered around dinner and this person on staff,
he’s a strong eight, and he was just talking
about how awesome he was, how amazing he was, and this gal from
Chicago wasn’t having it. Now she never said that, but
I could read it on her face. I was like this isn’t going
good, this isn’t going good and he’s like I’m so
awesome, I’m so awesome. She was like– I’m like oh no. And because I struggle with
lying ’cause I’m a three, I never said anything. Literally in the middle of dinner, she had a full glass of water. I’m talking about 14 ounces of water. And she just said I’ve had enough of you and dumped water on the
pastor’s head of our church. I was like oh my gosh, what do we do? What do we do? This is awkward and
everybody got all quiet and tried to act like
it didn’t just happen. So the dinner was over and
now I’m what am I gonna do? ‘Cause she’s supposed to speak tomorrow and we had already paid her. (audience laughing) So we let her speak, right? Not the right decision, it was terrible. It was absolutely terrible what happened. But listen to me, if you’re an eight– If you don’t understand
this, write this down. This is how people receive you. You’re intimidating. You’re like no I’m not. Yes you are! You’re intimidating and combative. You never had to ask an eight
to express how they feel. They’ve already told you. Listen to me. If you’re an eight and you’re
a parent, you’re scary. If you’re a spouse, you’re scary. Even if you’re a woman,
jeez, you’re really scary. Somebody told me, man, a
guy on our trip was hiding. I was like what’s he hiding from? His wife! She’s an eight. Right? Think about this, man. You don’t realize how scary you are. And if you don’t learn
to check your volume, you’re gonna lose your relationships. Let me tell you something, eights, you’ll tell me you don’t
care but I know you do. I know you do. I know you have a heart and
God wants to soften your heart. Pay attention to how people receive you. The nine, the peacemaker. Look, you’re nothing like the eight. You’re not intimidating,
you’re not combative. But you know what you are? You’re stubborn! You don’t move. You’ll never attack us but
you will never move, right? I was doing marriage counseling years ago and the woman was a nine. And I’m just, they don’t let
me do counseling anymore. But I got so frustrated because the fight, the argument of the week was the husband had bought her some perfume
and she refused to wear it. I said well do you not like
the smell of the perfume? She knows no, I like it. I said well why won’t you wear it? She said because he can’t make me. I said well do you want pastoral advice? She said yes, please. I said wear the perfume! That’s why I don’t do counseling, man. What’s your problem? They’re like that’s
why we’re here, Pastor. Everybody’s crying. Look, man, if you’re a
peacemaker, you won’t ever fight. You won’t move, either. And you just tell people you nod but inside you’re like never. When pigs fly. When Hell freezes over. You are stubborn, and
people perceive you as lazy. You’ve gotta move quicker, man. If you have kids that are nines, you’ve gotta give an
announcement every 10 minutes that we’re going to be leaving eventually. And you gotta say we gotta
go now, and that means now. I need you to go, let’s go. You see, if you’re a nine,
this is how people see you. It’s not what you mean to do, but it’s how people can receive you. And oh, by the way,
this isn’t at your best, this is at your worst, which is usually what people get, amen? Like when I run into people
at the grocery store, it’s never at my best. It’s always at my worst. That’s my pastor, he’s so real. (audience laughing) Next, we have the reformer. Look, you mean well, you want to make the world a better place, but it’s just how it
feels from the rest of us. It just feels critical. You know what that means? Like I’m never gonna
be good enough for you. So if you’re my boss, I just tune you out. If you’re my spouse,
I just quit listening. If you’re my parent, I
can’t wait to move out. You seem critical and legalistic. You see rules and regulations
make you comfortable, but oftentimes you use them as a weapon against other people. Two, the helper. Look, you mean well, again. You want to help people,
you care about people. You love to serve. Man, that’s fantastic. That’s great when you’re healthy. When you feel unsafe and insecure, you are, write this down, prideful. You’re not doing it for me,
you’re doing it for you. You feel prideful and pushy. It’s not about what I
want, it’s about your way. We’ve actually had people at
Sandals leave Sandals Church. They really want to help, but we didn’t do it
their way so they quit. I’m not kiddin’ you. We had somebody literally helping us with a homeless ministry. We didn’t serve what
they wanted us to serve. They’re like I’m out of here. I said I thought it
was about the homeless? It was actually about
doing it all your way. And as twos, you can run over people. And listen to me, if you’re
a two and you’re unhealthy, the reason your kids won’t
grow up is you won’t let ’em. The reason your husband
or wife won’t change is you don’t allow it. And you will sit in codependent after codependent relationships because your need to be needed makes you surround yourself with weak people. Okay, the next one, don’t
laugh ’cause it’s me. (audience laughing) Like I tell the funniest
joke you’re like– I say don’t laugh and you’re like– (Matt laughing) Okay, the achiever. We come across as exaggerating
and attention-seeking. (audience laughing) I said don’t laugh. How big was the fish? Fish? It was a shark! Bit my leg off! You’ve got two legs! Well, it almost bit it off. I got stitches, they sowed it back on. You know what happens, threes? Your need to be at the very
center of attention means there’s no room for anybody else. When you feel unsafe and insecure, you need all the attention. You suck all the air out of the room. And what that means is
everybody with any talent, any opinions, any emotions,
they just kinda fade away. Because you’re like look at me. If you’re a parent and you had
kid just doing stupid stuff that doesn’t make sense,
they might be a three. We ask threes these
questions when they’re kids. If everyone jumped off
a cliff would you do it? And their answer is as long as
it’s on Instagram, yes, yes. Individualists, you’re
creative, inspirational. There’s nobody like you. But here’s how you come
across when you’re insecure, when you’re unhealthy, when you’re tired. You just come across as
emotional and negative. And let me just say this,
it’s not always your fault because if you’re sharing feelings– If you’re married, I want
you to go home today, go out on a date and just
share positive feelings for as long as you can. A minute later you’re gonna be exhausted. But if I said married couples go out and I want you to talk about everything that’s wrong in your relationship, you’re like well how much time do we have? I just wanna make sure that I– I’m having to make sure that I communicate everything that’s here. That’s why the news is always bad. Just as human beings we’re bent that way. We have a hard time praising and celebrating the good things. We just do, we just do. So listen to me, if you’re a four, this is exceptionally true for you. You’re an emotional person on steroids. And listen to me, parents,
if you’re raising a four, you’ve gotta watch and
guard who your little four is hanging out with ’cause fours love to hang out together and get dark. (audience laughing) You’re not depressed, I am. I’m more depressed than you. It’s true, it’s true. And listen to me, fours,
we need you, we love you, you’re beautiful, but
when you’re unhealthy, we just don’t know where you’re gonna go. We don’t know where you’re gonna go. ‘Cause when you say you want to talk, we know we’re gonna be there awhile. Okay, next. The observer. Look, you’re brilliant, you’re
smarter than the rest of us. You just are. Your spiritual gift is wisdom. But you don’t have to over the top us at every party with all
your informational facts. Okay? I just pointed out I like your fish tank. I don’t need to know how it’s composited and where the saltwater came from. I just don’t need to know that. Okay, if you’re an observer,
you know how you come across? You know how we receive you? As arrogant. I mean, literally, I was on a airplane. You’re like I was an astronaut. Well thank you, very much, thank you. I flunked math, thank you
for pointing that out. You come across arrogant,
listen to me, and detached. You know how we feel around
you when you’re unhealthy? We feel stupid. I have zero five. You never leave here feeling stupid, you’re always encouraged. Well if he can do it, I can do it, too. I might be a bouncer, too. Listen to me, the Lord’s
blessed you with wisdom. But is it wisdom if you
make people feel dumb? Look, we know you’ve been
thinking about it for 10 hours but you just mentioned it at dinner. Can I have a second? (audience laughing) Right? I mean some of us just want
to enjoy a glass of wine. We don’t need to know where it came from and how long it’s been in a bottle. You just feel dumb. You’re just like I thought
it was wine, I didn’t know. (audience laughing) Then you’ve got the loyalists. I’ll be gentle, I know you’re afraid. (audience laughing) Look, I love you. I do, I’m married to a six. Our son is doing driver’s training. A guy pulls up, little MINI Cooper. Teach our son how to
drive, they drive off. My wife says do you
think he’ll kidnap him? (audience laughing) No, no, we paid him 15 bucks an hour. I don’t think that’s, I don’t
think that’s gonna do it. (audience laughing) That’s the first thing she thought of. Not oh this is so sweet. He’s gone forever. (audience laughing) Look, I love you, sixes. You’re great friends, but
you scare us to death. You come across untrusting and anxious. Freaks me out, man. Freaks me out. You want us to stick around. Listen to me, don’t push us away. Don’t push us away. The sevens, yeah, woo-hoo, yes, finally! (audience laughing) Good God, these other
numbers are lame, right? Do you know how you come across? You’re all fun, exciting, thrilling. The word is overwhelming. (audience laughing) You ever been on an airplane with a seven? You’re like please sit down. They’re like in case of emergency and the seven’s like yes! Every seven wants to do the
slide, they don’t even care why. Enthusiasts, you come
across as overwhelming. You’re a lot to handle. I might have a little seven in me. I was gettin’ my hair cut and
the lady’s cutting my hair and she was just like– (Matt groaning) I was like okay either this is your first haircut
ever or you go to Sandals. She’s like I go to Sandals! (audience laughing) Which, when you have
scissors next to my throat, I need you to not shake. (audience laughing) She’s like I don’t understand, you’re not at all like you are on stage. Can you imagine if I was
like this all the time? (audience laughing) So overwhelming. Listen to me, sevens, you take
up all the space in the room. You combination that with a
three and you’ll never stop. Okay, this is where it gets rough. We’re gonna take a U-turn. The sevens are like I’m out of here. (audience laughing) If you want to improve relationships, ask for honest feedback from
people you trust and respect. Do this carefully with your
spouse if you’re married. I don’t always think your husband or wife is the best person to give you feedback. Guys, your wife will lie to you. She’ll say I can take it. Wait for Jesus to come back. I would, man. Jesus would be like it’s
safe now, you can share. (audience laughing) I’m here. And why is that? Ladies, sometimes you need
to hear truth from a friend. Guys, we’re the same way. Sometimes criticism from our
wives feels emasculating, but from another guy
it can be exhilarating. Like okay yeah, yeah,
I can be a better guy. Absolutely. I’m gonna be a better dad,
better man, better father. So here’s what I want you to say. When you’re married and
you give brutal feedback, there’s a lot at risk there. This is why I want you
in a communion group. This is why I want you in a men’s group. This is why I want you in a women’s group. You need to be with
people as a sounding board before you go home to your partner and you’re like I tried to real tonight. Then you’re gonna blame
me for your divorce ’cause you didn’t listen. Ask for honest feedback from
people you trust and respect. I got cornered out in the
lobby a couple years ago by a woman of our church. She’s 40 years old, single, she’s fed up. She said what am I doing
that nobody tells me? Could be your approach. She’s like no I’m serious. She said I’m tired, I’m tired Pastor Matt. She said I want to get married. She said just tell me the truth. I said okay, here’s how I experience you. And I gave her two things. She cried and I thought
well she’s going to Harvest. (audience laughing) She didn’t. You know what? She came back the next
week and thanked me. She got married a year later. (audience cheering) Amen. I’ll fix your love life. (audience laughing) Proverbs 27:6 says this,
words from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. Listen to me, ladies,
listen to me very carefully. Be careful with the women who
are critical of your husband. I’ve seen it time and time again. Enemies will tell you
what you want to hear, a friend will tell you
what you need to hear. Some ladies just want
you out of the picture. Remember that. I’ve seen it over and over and over again. Who are your friends
that are real with you? Honest with you? I’m in communion group. Do you realize– I’m in communion group. I wrote the sermon. I know what the points are. I studied it in the Greek. I read it in the Hebrew. I got it. Every single week I’m in communion group and you know why? ‘Cause I don’t got it. It’s one thing to preach the truth, it’s another thing to
live it out relationally. And let me tell you something, if I spend all week preparing
it and I preach it five times, you hear it once and you’re
like I’m good, you’re not good! You’re not good. Anybody notice Jesus just teaches the same things over and over again? You’re like Lord, we got that. We want to study Leviticus. He’s like you’re not ready for Leviticus. Wounds for a sincere friend are better than kisses from an enemy. You know why people aren’t
honest with you at work? Do they want you to be promoted? Do you know why your friends aren’t honest with you if you’re single? Do they want you to get
married before they do? No. So find somebody that really loves you. That’s what I tell my kids all the time. Your friends don’t love you, I do. Your friends are just as
dumb as you are, listen up. (audience laughing) Seriously, parents. Don’t you ever let somebody tell your kid they love them more than you. That’s not true. All right, my eight just came out. Okay, relaxing, I’m relaxing. Challenger, do you know what you need? You need loving but blunt friends. Listen to me, if you have
an eight in your life, they respond best to a two
by four across the forehead. I’m serious, you’re just– (Matt sobbing) And they’re like thank
you, thank you very much. I’m not kidding you. Listen to me, if I could go
back and do it all over again, I would surround myself with eights and hit ’em with two by fours everyday. You know why? Eights are the best people. They’re the best people. They run over us but they need
somebody to stand up to ’em. They need somebody. And here’s the problem, if
you’re in communion group with eight, the eight’s
telling you every single week well I thought that sermon was terrible. And they need someone
to say you’re terrible. And then you need to follow
up with your wife thinks it but she won’t say it, but I will. And they’re like you really feel that way? Yes. Well thank you. It’s bizarre. It is totally bizarre. All the rest of us would be like I’m going to another church. Seriously, eights need directness. Directness. Nines, man, do not need directness. Nines need motivational friends. You can do this. Tammy and I, we were exercising today. We’re so different. I don’t need any, dude, I
don’t need any motivation. I think I came out of the womb motivated and I was like I’m gonna be successful. (audience laughing) My wife, dude, she’s on her
Peloton and she’s got her class. I can overhear her thing. I’m literally in the room, on the bike. You know why? ‘Cause I’m gonna be the best. I’m racing people I don’t even know. There’s just little numbers
from Nebraska and Oklahoma and I’m gonna put them
down in the name of Jesus. (audience laughing) I have no time to talk,
I gotta crush grandma74. Let her know that mattbrown48 in California has still got it. (audience laughing) I look over at my wife, man. I can hear her instructor,
you can do it, you’re awesome, you’re incredible, you’re
beautiful, woo-hoo! I would literally leave that classroom. I would be this is, what is this? My wife is like crying, oh thank you, I understand the obligation. (audience laughing) Look nines, you need motivation to move. Let’s go, let’s go. You need friends that challenge you. Like you’re awesome, you
just move a little slower. All right? You’re like turtles, you’re
powerful but you just– (Matt whirring) So here’s the thing is, nines
also, right, they avoid pain. So you need somebody to
motivate you to experience pain. Next, you’ve got the reformer. Look, here’s what you need, you need morally-sound, wise friends. You will not listen to immoral people. You won’t do it. You need people that are
morally-sound but wise. And let me just tell you this, just because you’re a one and you’re smart doesn’t
mean you have wisdom, and let me explain. The people who killed
Jesus were a bunch of ones who understood the law
but wanted to kill Jesus ’cause he healed somebody on the Sabbath. We can’t have that. You know why? Listen to me, they had intelligence
but they lacked wisdom. So ones, you need to rub up with the fives and get some wisdom so that
you can challenge your friends. ‘Cause if you’re constantly
challenging it’s just criticism. If you learn when to do it, it’s wisdom. Next is helper. You need strong friends
who call out your pride. So the next time you’re on a rant– Nobody appreciates me at Sandals Church. I worked all five tires ads. And you’re going on your rant. The Devil never took the day off. Well where’s the verse that
says the Devil’s our example? You need somebody to call out your pride. So you know what? The reason you’re doing this
is you feel self-important. And maybe you need to get out of the way so somebody else can step up. And let me just say this about pride, it’s the hardest one to challenge ’cause it’s often layered with good things and you can’t see it. The three, you need secure
friends who can speak truthfully. You know my small group doesn’t care at all that I’m the pastor? They tell me that regularly. They just challenge me. Just right at me. That was a good, interesting
point there, Pastor Matt. Why don’t you try living it? I got two eights in my group. Each week they’re just waiting. (audience laughing) Bam! (audience laughing) It’s awesome. I love eights, man. Everybody else is always afraid of them. I love it. The achiever needs friends
who can speak true. Individualists, you need positive friends who can see beauty. So when you’re circling the drain– Oh my gosh, look at my cloud of darkness. They’re like look, there’s a rainbow. Let’s go look at it, let’s take a picture. You know what’s great for fours? Sevens. They’ve never circled
a drain in their life. They didn’t know there was a drain. Fives, you need competent
friends who will call you out. You’re being arrogant and elitist. And you just made everybody feel dumb. If you’re a communion group with a five they’re like I was looking
at the Greek this week and studying verse-by-verse. You’re like I was tryin’
to pay bills, shut up. (audience laughing) If you’re in a group with a five, they got a graph and a chart. Six, you’re loyalists. You need safe and secure friends who will tell you the truth. Because here’s the thing, sixes. Oftentimes you are your
own self-fulfilling prophet and you attack what you’re afraid of and you drive people
away and then you go see? See? You need safe and secure truth-tellers. People to tell you they
love you, they care for you, but they’re not taking that crap. That’s not right. Enthusiasts, you need loyal friends that can help you navigate pain. ‘Cause sometimes life is hard. Here’s the last point,
I want to challenge you. Develop a relational strategy based upon my strengths and weaknesses. Look, we all have strengths,
we all have weaknesses, and you need a strategy
and you’re like why, why? I just want to be a Christian. Why do I need a strategy? Because the Devil has a strategy for you. Paul says this in Ephesians 6:11, put on all of God’s armor
so that you will be able to stand firm against the
strategies of the Devil. So what is the Devil gonna tell the people who are eights, nines, and ones? He’s gonna tell you nobody gets you. Nobody gets you. The world doesn’t make
sense and it’s not safe. You know what the Devil’s gonna tell threes, fours, and twos? I know I just counted backwards. (audience laughing) He’s gonna tell you nobody loves you and the world would be
better off without you. You know what he’s gonna tell
fives, sixes, and sevens? The world doesn’t understand
you and it’s a scary place and you would be better away from here. I want you to listen to my heart. I had another friend who lost
someone to suicide this week and I’m sick of it. This week on the podcast I’m
gonna talk about suicide, and listen to me, a lot of pastors are afraid to preach the truth. And I’m telling you I’m not afraid. Listen to me very carefully,
Jesus said this in John 10:10. The thief has come to
steal, kill, and destroy. Jesus said I have come
that you may have life and have it abundantly. (audience applauding) I have come that you may have life and I’m sick and tired of losing people that have been stolen from us. That are destroying families
and killing themselves. That is the work of the enemy and we are gonna speak against it this week because we’ve had enough. Let me tell you something,
the Devil wants you alone. He wants you to feel alone. He wants you to feel misunderstood. Listen to me, Jesus
says you’re never alone. I will never leave you. I will never forsake you. Psalms 23 doesn’t say we sit in the valley of the shadow of death,
it says we go through it. We go through it. And I just want to end our service today by praying for everybody who feels isolated, alone, misunderstood, and I want us to shout down
the Devil and live up praises so that the angels of
Heaven will speak to people so we can stop this mess. And I want you to pray
for me this Tuesday, as I speak to this from what
the Bible has to say about it. Because we’re losing too many people. We’re losing too many people. So let’s bow our heads, close our eyes. Would you just lift our
hands as we pray for those who have stopped praying for themselves? Jesus, we rebuke the
Devil, we rebuke the enemy. No more stealing. No more destroying. No more killing. In Jesus’ name. Lord we pray for life, we pray for love, and God, we pray that every
single person right now, God– We pray for eights, Lord,
that they would know they don’t have to be
tough for every situation. God, we would pray for nines, right now, that they don’t have to afraid, Lord, of conflict but they can embrace it. Lord, we pray for ones that you would give them peace, Lord, living in a world that’s full of imperfect
people and things. God, we pray for twos. Lord, help them to know
that they’re not loved because of what they do but
because of who they are. We pray for threes, Lord,
that help them to know that your love for them is not based upon their
success, but yours. God, we pray for fours, Lord. You created beauty and you made them. God, I pray that you
rebuke the darkness, Lord, and you bring in the light. God, we pray for fives. Lord, that they would just trust in your wisdom and your direction. God, that they wouldn’t have
to figure out everything in their head, but they
would trust in you. Lord, we pray for sixes that
they wouldn’t be afraid. God, we pray over their anxiety. Lord, we pray over their
fear and we rebuke the enemy and we ask you to bring light
and truth to their life. God, and we pray for the sevens. Lord, life is not always going to be fun and it’s not always going to be a party. And even you, Jesus, suffered, and we can too in your name. Lord, bless this place. Bless this world with your presence. Take back the ground
we are losing to people who are struggling relationally with themselves, others, and you. We pray this, again, in Jesus’ name. Amen. Amen. – Here at Sandals Church,
we really do believe that this vision of being
real can change the world. Because Sandals Church is a non-profit that operates from donations
from people like you. Because when you donate, your money goes to creating places for people to be real all over this world. So man, I would love for
you to be part of that and you can make a
donation today by clicking the link on this video,
or going to So join us, and join what God is doing through this vision of being real, and have a great day. (inspirational music)

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  1. I just had the penny drop; 4 is seen as negative. I never stop being negative; you don't think it's true because you compare yourselves to others and come across as optimistic but optimism is related to your expectations for the future and that can only be such a dramatic contrast from the present if you're so unsatisfied with what you've already got.
    In the first few months of marriage some friends tried to be real with me and told me I was complaining too much about my husband- picking him apart; I knew they were right about what was coming out of my mouth but I also thought they were idiots because there wasn't anything positive to comment on. I couldn't see anything else. I was just starting to learn that I'm so so good at picking out the things that can be improved that it is actually a blindspot to see the things that are right. They ask you to say positive things about each other like you can actually do it; that's not helpful- if I'm going to get better at it I need to watch someone else that I look up to and want to be influenced by and hear how they practice being positive. I have a lifetime of practicing it ahead of me should I want to grow but ironically it seems daunting and fake.

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